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Some things I cannot change, but until I try, I'll never know...
j&d
kirsalessi
Hmmm....

So...it's been awhile. Yeah, I'd apologize, but it's not like I've been absent, life's just been blah this semester, and I really haven't had any time to talk about myself. However, Abby and Dani are forcing me to take the night off, so...here I am.

My writing's been really weird lately. For example, I planned on having Sunburn finished by now, AIS pretty much done, and my next story planned out to be posted once AIS was close to finished, however, this semester's been a bitch. I haven't had a week without a test, like, ever, and between work, friends and stuff my writing greatly slowed down. Until last week, that is.

I need to say something, but I want to be perfectly clear as to why I'm saying it before I do. I don't want pity, I don't want people telling me they understand, or bullshitting me. I'm not that kind of person. I'm just saying it because I need to say it. Like, I don't think my brain has processed it yet, and I guess part of me thinks that by posting it for other people to potentially read will sort of force me to cope. My dad has Parkinson's disease.

Hmmm...no, still not feeling it. Honestly, I wonder if something's wrong with me. He's been having tremors in his hand for a while and we've been silently preparing ourselves for the worst when he went to the neurologist, there was part of me that simply hoped it was a pinched nerve or something. But it's not a brain tumor. It's not cancer. Parkinson's will not kill him, but still...I should be scared and upset, but when I went home over Thanksgiving, he was making jokes about it, and...I don't know. Should I be scared?

I should go into lurking mode. I thought about it pretty seriously after I found out, and any sane person would take a step back and refocus, but for some reason, I can't. In fact (relating this to my writing), since I found out, my muse has been in full gear coming up with idea after idea. It's weird, and all I can come up with is that my brain thinks immersing myself in my writing is easier for me and helps me cope.

Oh, and it flurried today. I cannot wait for snow. :)

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I don't understand, I wouldn't pretend to. And I don't offer 'pity'. But what I do offer is that if you ever just want to vent about it - I'm here. You can even send a PM and tell me that you don't even want a reply, if you like. Just know that I'm here and that's all I can offer - to be here if you want me to be. :)

It's funny how real life and the fandom as a whole interact when you've got serious real life things going on. Sometimes it feels fake, sometimes you feel like you're forcing yourself to be there and integrate for everyone elses sake. It's like its just this bunch of irrelevant bull shit. But sometimes you can draw comfort from it. Your life doesn't mean that the joys that you get from our little world are less real, or that your writing is any less of an outlet. Maybe it means that the way you approach life is different or that your muse wants to use writing as a coping mechanism. I don't know... maybe that makes no sense. Maybe I overanalyse things too much.

First of all, flurries? I'm seriously jealous. The closest I'm getting to snow is a expected high of 59 tomorrow.

I can't comment on whether you should be scared but I'm pretty sure my dad would handle it exactly how your dad is. We make jokes all the time... especially regarding stuff that is difficult to fully grasp. It always makes me feel better (even if a tiny part of me niggles about whether we should be discussing it seriously) because it allows you to maintain some sense of normalcy.

Writing may be helping you deal with everything. It isn't necessarily escaping from it all... more like it is just the way your brain has chosen to mull over everything.

Yay for NM. I kinda want to go see it now... but I don't know when I am going to have time. I have to go during the day cos it is cheaper... hopefully it will still be in the cinemas during finals week.

I don't pity you. Your situation is unique to you as an individual. Just know that if you ever need to talk, you're free to shoot a PM over. Your family is in my prayers.

As for your muse, I feel like tough situations can either drive your writing or suppress it. It's good that you can get your emotions out on "paper", it's a way to communicate with yourself.

Sometimes lurking is good for you, other times its not. You have a lot of support and a lot of people who have your back, whether you take a break or not.

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